I haven't posted in a while, not because I haven't had anything to share, but I have had too much and not enough time. This post wasn't something I planned on writing, but as I was doing the dishes today I needed to stop and get this off my chest.
For those of you who don't know or forgot, I lost my twin daughters 6 months ago. It feels like everyone forgot.
It does NOT hurt any less now and I am not "over it", and FYI, I will Never be "over it".
It drives me crazy how after such a huge thing, life just goes on. I look around at the people around me working, playing, and living and they just have no idea! The women at the coffee stand who is raving on about how her friend just gave birth, and then she shows me pictures, has no idea she is ripping my heart out. It's all just so hard.
I am struggling, if you hadn't noticed. The shock of losing my daughters has worn off and I am having a hard time. You may not see it when you look at me or talk to me, but I am. I am so angry that God let this happen that I can barely stand it. I want to scream at Him and ask Him why! I have lost my trust in Him. I don't like that, but I have. Everytime I hear of something wonderful He is doing in someone elses life, I get more angry with Him. Pray if you want, but it does me no good. I have come to realize that prayer in my life does not help. I wish it did and i have tried and many people have prayed for me, but its just a waste of time. I am sorry if this offends anyone and i may be saying this all out of anger, but I just needed to say it.
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Understand that if you don't see the benefit right now, prayer is never wasted. You don't have to believe it, that doesn't change that it's true.
ReplyDeleteDO cry out to Him! Do ask Him why! Be angry with Him and share it. It isn't as if He doesn't know already, He does.
I cannot begin to understand the exact feelings that you have, and I have not forgotten about what has happened. That is partly why I personally hesitated to share certain things with you from my life. But to leave you out when you know that something is going on would not be right either. We share the good and bad parts of our lives with the ones we love. Don't think that I didn't see how the details might feel for you. I did consider it from the moment that it was revealed. You were not forgotten in that time.
I can't speak for anyone else, but as for me, I would never be offended by your feelings of mistrust in God or the passion that you are filled with right now. God's word says that He would rather us be freezing cold than luke warm. You are where you are, and you are sharing your passionate feelings about that place. You are not pretending to have feelings that you don't, you are not pretending to understand while not really having clarity, and you are not living in a lie deceiving yourself.
I am sorry that you are struggling, as I have been from the moment you found out there were even slight complications in your pregnancy with those special little girls. I don't know why God chose to allow it, I can't understand that. I am not capable of understanding the mind of God. I do know that He cries with you, even if you do not believe that.
As stated before, I can only speak to my end of responsibility for your struggle. But as for those things that are due to my life (because I know that we are all at a lack of what to say and we will all do the wrong things because there is no good way to respond to such a tragedy), I am sorry for them. I do not wish for anything in my life to grieve anyone else or make them feel uncomfortable or to cause sorrow. Unfortunately, sometimes that will happen. I hope that those things are minimal and few.
I will be in prayer for you, as you already knew. And fortunately your faith is not required =). (Good thing, or people would miss out on a lot of benefits of prayer on their behalf. We would all be in trouble!)
I was really worried about what you might say. Thank you for understanding and helping me through this. Yes, certain things in your life may have effected me but I fully support what you are doing.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you have gone through and you have every right to be angry and frustrated. I know that God has a plan for all of us and someday He will reveal to you the reason why he has put you through such incredibly difficult situations. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten and I still think about you and the girls daily...I will continue to keep my prayers with you. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help, even if it's just a shoulder to cry on! I'm so glad we've reconnected
ReplyDeleteOh Brie i am so sorry. You have every right to be mad and pissed off at the world. I still think about you all the time and the girls! I look at the picture Mike sent to my phone of Emily. Im not sure what to say sometimes but that does not mean that i am not here for you. : ) i am just a phone call or a text away if u need me at anytime. Just remember that ok. If u need someone please call me. You know i am just out shoping or playing with Gavin. So please just let me k. I hope thing get better soon. Dont feel bad about me mad u have every right to be.
ReplyDeleteBrooke
I came across the info for your blog in one of the march of dimes messages and i was glad to have found it. I had no idea you had a blog and were sharing... It has given me the opportunity to gain insight into the heartache and tough times you are dealing with. I wish i was with you and able to be there, but i understand your hurt and anger by "life" continuing on as if everything is fine and that must be so infuriating to you. I am sorry i have not known how to be there for you or to tell you about the news in my life and i sincerely apologize for that.
ReplyDeleteAs i am on this journey myself in my own life i have sadly found myself so distant from you and our friendship, but close to you in the sense that i think of you and the girls daily, for i have a constant reminder. I will never forget what you have been through and am always here no matter what. It pains me to represent what you lost and it pains me that my meer presence would likely upset you. I would love to have you to share this time with and i know that as much as this time is about my experience and growth, it is your time for learning and grieving. Although our journeys may be different right now i hope that one day in the near future we can come back together and help eachother on our path to discovery and the rest of our lives...
I love you very much and have not forgot about you or the girls and never will. I am here if you need me and i am sorry for the pain my life is surely bringing you.
sending you my love, hugs and kisses.
Love ~ME~