Thursday, April 9, 2009

My Angels

I haven't written a blog about what happened with my daughters yet. There was a reason for that, I wasn't ready. I felt like if I wrote about, I had to believe it. It has been 5 months since my beautiful baby girls passed away and it is now all sinking in. I am realizing that this is forever. For the rest of my life I will feel the pain of missing them and that is something I wish I didn't have to go through.

I found out I was pregnant May of '08. It was the weekend after my sons 4th birthday. We were so excited, yet scared at the same time because we had suffered a miscarriage 3 months prior. I couldn't wait to get to my 12 week appointment where I could feel like we were "safe". I had no idea what i was about to find out!! At 6 weeks I went in to confirm my pregnancy. The Dr. did an ultrasound and said all she could see was one empty sac and I may have a blighted ovum. She sent me for blood work and told me to come back in a week. My test results ended up being great, and I went back the next week. I went to this appointment by myself. While the ultrasound tech was doing my ultrasound I thought I saw a second heartbeat. She assured me that there was just one baby. I relaxed a bit until I heard, "Ohhhh, wait a minute!" My heart skipped a beat, I knew exactly what she was about to say. I was pregnant with twins!!!!! I couldn't wait to tell my husband!! They said that one of the babies was MUCH smaller than the other and most likely wouldn't make it, but there was a chance. I KNEW at that time I would get to meet both my daughters. I knew they would both make it.

The next few weeks were good. I was tired and had really bad morning sickness. But I was so happy. I felt like God was "giving back" the baby I had lost with the miscarriage. At 10 weeks I had a bit of bleeding but it passed and we made it through to 12 weeks with everything looking great!! Up until 17 1/2 weeks everything was good, but that's when S**t hit the fan. On Sept. 3rd at 11pm I woke up to use the bathroom. When I stood up I felt a gush of water. I had no idea your water could break that early! I woke up my husband and he said I probably peed myself and to go back to bed. I knew this was not the case. I told him I needed to call the hospital. The nurse on the phone said pretty much the same thing my husband did, but said if I needed to, to go to the ER. I did just that. I was told that night at the ER it was not my water and was told to go home and see my Dr. first thing in the morning. As a mother, I KNEW something was wrong, VERY wrong. I was terrified. The next morning I went to the Dr. and it was confirmed that baby b's water had broken. I had a couple options. I could induce labor and lose them both then or go home and see what happens. My Dr. said I would most likely go into labor within 24 hours. Boy did I prove her wrong!

I ended up being on bed rest for 6 weeks at home until I passed a huge blot clot one night and was admitted to the hospital. I still don't know where that blood clot came from. My care was transferred to a high risk OB and I was sent from my local hospital to one farther away that had a level 3 NICU for when my daughters were born. I had an irritable uterus and they put me on magnesium sulfate for the first 3 days in the hospital to relax my uterus. It worked but the mag was awful stuff!! It felt like I had a bad case of the flu and I couldn't drink lots of fluids because it could cause fluid in my lungs. It was horrible! Once everything was going smoothly I was told I would be there until the day my daughters were born. It could be anywhere from one day to 3 months! I have a 4 year old son and being away from him and my husband for the time I was there was heartbreaking. Luckily I had my Mom to help with everything. I would cry every time the left me. I missed my sons first day of preschool and Halloween. I ended up being there for 3 weeks, and up until then, it was the hardest 3 weeks of my life.

My daughters were born on November 3rd. I had gone into labor at around 5 in the morning and gave birth at 8:24 and 8:26 that night. I had a huge team of Dr.s and nurses in the room with us waiting to take my girls away to the NICU. Emily Nicole was born first, still in her sac of water. I was told this is very rare, so I think it is kind of cool. She tried to cry and I heard her squeak a couple times but those are the only sounds I ever heard from her. She weight 2lbs 3 oz. She was intubated and taken to the NICU. Allison Anne was born soon after also weighing around 2lbs 3oz. She was breach and suffered a bit of bruising from it, but was beautiful. We knew from prior ultrasounds she most likely would not live because she didn't have enough fluid for her lungs to develop, but we were hoping for a miracle. She was also intubated and taken to the NICU. She lived for 3 hours and to me, that was a miracle. I got to look into her beautiful little face and see her alive before she went to be with God. Her Daddy got to hold her in his arms as she was taken of the ventilators and passed away. We got to spend as long as we wanted to with her and I treasure those memories with all my heart.

Allison Anne

Emily was doing really well in the NICU and we all thought she was going to make it. She had her ups and downs, but maily normal preemie issues. On Nov. 11 we got a call saying we needed to come to the hospital right away because Emily was not going to live much longer. We raced at 90mph to the hospital where we barely made it in time to say goodbye to our sweet daughter. Her little lungs just couldn't handle the trauma from the ventilators. She also had severe brain bleed that would have cause her disability if she had lived. We spent time with her the same way we had her sister. We took pictures and dressed them both. We gave them as much love as we could in the all to short time we had with them.

Emily Nicole

I miss my daughters more than anything in this world. I wish so badly to just hold them once more. I have never felt a pain so severe as the pain I feel missing them. I think of them everyday. They are both always on my mind. Thank the Lord for my one healthy child, he is what keeps me going. I don't think I could make it through this without knowing he needs me. I would probably lay in bed and cry all day.

Some of my story has been left out just because it would take all day to write. I wish I would have had this blog while I was going through this all. My good friend kept up with most my story, you can read it here.


  1. It still makes me cry to read that, I bet it was hard to write.

    Thank you for writing it anyway =). I will always remember your girls.

  2. I continue to pray for you and your family, Brie. Thank you so much for sharing this. It was nice to have all the details together, and while it was sad, it was good to remember how strong your girls were and how hard they fought both in the womb and out.

    I can't wait to walk for them in a few weeks!

  3. Brie, I love you. After 15 years of friendship, with ups and downs and all in between - I want you to know how much I still love you. Thank you for sharing your story. I will think of your girls often.

  4. I can't imagine the heartbreak you are going through and know that I am always here for you..I'm so glad we've reconnected, you are an amazing woman and friend. I keep you and Mike in my prayers also.

  5. Thank you for sharing your story, you are amazing and so strong. I look up to you tremendously, your girls were so beautiful

  6. I could't read that without crying. I am so glad you felt strong enough to write it. It is good to know directly from you what you feel about all that your family has gone through. Many of us were following along the whole time but trying to give you the space you needed for such a monumentaly difficult experience. You inspire me with your strength and courage. Your daughters are truly beautiful little Angels! They, and their parents and big brother have touched my heart in a life-changing way.