Thursday, April 9, 2009

My Angels

I haven't written a blog about what happened with my daughters yet. There was a reason for that, I wasn't ready. I felt like if I wrote about, I had to believe it. It has been 5 months since my beautiful baby girls passed away and it is now all sinking in. I am realizing that this is forever. For the rest of my life I will feel the pain of missing them and that is something I wish I didn't have to go through.

I found out I was pregnant May of '08. It was the weekend after my sons 4th birthday. We were so excited, yet scared at the same time because we had suffered a miscarriage 3 months prior. I couldn't wait to get to my 12 week appointment where I could feel like we were "safe". I had no idea what i was about to find out!! At 6 weeks I went in to confirm my pregnancy. The Dr. did an ultrasound and said all she could see was one empty sac and I may have a blighted ovum. She sent me for blood work and told me to come back in a week. My test results ended up being great, and I went back the next week. I went to this appointment by myself. While the ultrasound tech was doing my ultrasound I thought I saw a second heartbeat. She assured me that there was just one baby. I relaxed a bit until I heard, "Ohhhh, wait a minute!" My heart skipped a beat, I knew exactly what she was about to say. I was pregnant with twins!!!!! I couldn't wait to tell my husband!! They said that one of the babies was MUCH smaller than the other and most likely wouldn't make it, but there was a chance. I KNEW at that time I would get to meet both my daughters. I knew they would both make it.

The next few weeks were good. I was tired and had really bad morning sickness. But I was so happy. I felt like God was "giving back" the baby I had lost with the miscarriage. At 10 weeks I had a bit of bleeding but it passed and we made it through to 12 weeks with everything looking great!! Up until 17 1/2 weeks everything was good, but that's when S**t hit the fan. On Sept. 3rd at 11pm I woke up to use the bathroom. When I stood up I felt a gush of water. I had no idea your water could break that early! I woke up my husband and he said I probably peed myself and to go back to bed. I knew this was not the case. I told him I needed to call the hospital. The nurse on the phone said pretty much the same thing my husband did, but said if I needed to, to go to the ER. I did just that. I was told that night at the ER it was not my water and was told to go home and see my Dr. first thing in the morning. As a mother, I KNEW something was wrong, VERY wrong. I was terrified. The next morning I went to the Dr. and it was confirmed that baby b's water had broken. I had a couple options. I could induce labor and lose them both then or go home and see what happens. My Dr. said I would most likely go into labor within 24 hours. Boy did I prove her wrong!

I ended up being on bed rest for 6 weeks at home until I passed a huge blot clot one night and was admitted to the hospital. I still don't know where that blood clot came from. My care was transferred to a high risk OB and I was sent from my local hospital to one farther away that had a level 3 NICU for when my daughters were born. I had an irritable uterus and they put me on magnesium sulfate for the first 3 days in the hospital to relax my uterus. It worked but the mag was awful stuff!! It felt like I had a bad case of the flu and I couldn't drink lots of fluids because it could cause fluid in my lungs. It was horrible! Once everything was going smoothly I was told I would be there until the day my daughters were born. It could be anywhere from one day to 3 months! I have a 4 year old son and being away from him and my husband for the time I was there was heartbreaking. Luckily I had my Mom to help with everything. I would cry every time the left me. I missed my sons first day of preschool and Halloween. I ended up being there for 3 weeks, and up until then, it was the hardest 3 weeks of my life.

My daughters were born on November 3rd. I had gone into labor at around 5 in the morning and gave birth at 8:24 and 8:26 that night. I had a huge team of Dr.s and nurses in the room with us waiting to take my girls away to the NICU. Emily Nicole was born first, still in her sac of water. I was told this is very rare, so I think it is kind of cool. She tried to cry and I heard her squeak a couple times but those are the only sounds I ever heard from her. She weight 2lbs 3 oz. She was intubated and taken to the NICU. Allison Anne was born soon after also weighing around 2lbs 3oz. She was breach and suffered a bit of bruising from it, but was beautiful. We knew from prior ultrasounds she most likely would not live because she didn't have enough fluid for her lungs to develop, but we were hoping for a miracle. She was also intubated and taken to the NICU. She lived for 3 hours and to me, that was a miracle. I got to look into her beautiful little face and see her alive before she went to be with God. Her Daddy got to hold her in his arms as she was taken of the ventilators and passed away. We got to spend as long as we wanted to with her and I treasure those memories with all my heart.

Allison Anne

Emily was doing really well in the NICU and we all thought she was going to make it. She had her ups and downs, but maily normal preemie issues. On Nov. 11 we got a call saying we needed to come to the hospital right away because Emily was not going to live much longer. We raced at 90mph to the hospital where we barely made it in time to say goodbye to our sweet daughter. Her little lungs just couldn't handle the trauma from the ventilators. She also had severe brain bleed that would have cause her disability if she had lived. We spent time with her the same way we had her sister. We took pictures and dressed them both. We gave them as much love as we could in the all to short time we had with them.

Emily Nicole

I miss my daughters more than anything in this world. I wish so badly to just hold them once more. I have never felt a pain so severe as the pain I feel missing them. I think of them everyday. They are both always on my mind. Thank the Lord for my one healthy child, he is what keeps me going. I don't think I could make it through this without knowing he needs me. I would probably lay in bed and cry all day.

Some of my story has been left out just because it would take all day to write. I wish I would have had this blog while I was going through this all. My good friend kept up with most my story, you can read it here.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Yes, I am ridiculous

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart. Sometimes though, I don't understand what or IF he is thinking. We have been together for 7 years. We know everything about each other inside and out and sometimes can finish each others sentences. I know all his favorite things and he can even shop for clothes for me and pick out just the right thing. (Most of the time he does a better job than me!) But last night he did something that still makes my head spin......
We had an argument. He thinks I overreacted and I think he was being insensitive. We were on our way home from me picking him up from the park and ride. I asked if he minded if we stopped at the store so I could get some soup because i haven't been feeling well. He said no, he wanted to go straight home. Well, this irritated me but I did it anyway and dropped him and my son off at home. Then he gives me a list of a few things he wanted me to get while I was at the store! He can't stop at the store with me for 5 mins, but then gives me things to pick up for him?? I don't think so!! One of the items being strawberry Popsicles that he loves. So I went to the store, but in my anger, didn't get the Popsicles. Maybe a bit immature, but I was mad!
So, fast forward a couple hours. Argument over and everything is fine. He gets up and says, "I am going to the store to get MY strawberry Popsicles" Ok whatever. So he goes to the store and when he gets back, I look at him and say "Hey thanks for getting me something" Mind you that almost EVERY time I go to the store, I bring him back a "treat". I always THINK of him! I try to get things he really likes. This is how the conversation went...

Him " Are you being sarcastic?"
Me "No, you didn't get me anything"
Him " Did you look in the bag?"
Me "No, why did you get me something?"
Him "Yes" ( Looking at me as if he had gotten me my most favorite thing in the world)

This is what he pulls out of the bag....

What?! Are you kidding me right now?? For those of you who don't know me, two of my most favorite things on the planet are ice cream and chocolate. My husband, after being together for 7 years got me a "treat" that contained neither one of these things. He was even on the ice cream aisle getting Popsicles!!!! I just don't get it. He said he was "thinking of me". What in a Payday would me make him think of me?? It is caramel, which I don't really care for, and peanuts. Not chocolate, nothing else, thats it!! He said because I love peanut butter he thought I would want it. Uhhh? Ok, there is NO peanut butter in a Payday!! There are peanuts, not peanut butter. I could have understood if he got me a Reeses. That's like saying here is a tomato, because I know you like spaghetti. I know I am being ridiculous, but I am seriously bothered by this whole thing. Not that I really needed a treat, but just knowing that he thought of me and tried to get me something that I liked would have been nice. Not some random candy bar that he grabbed at the last minute.

Tomorrow is his birthday. I think I might go to Wingers (one of his favorite things are buffalo wings, this is a "wings" restaurant) and I will get him a cheeseburger!!! Then tell him I was "thinking" of him. Makes sense to me!