Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I get asked a lot of questions and put in a lot of awkward situations since losing my daughters. I thought that I would give MY thoughts and answers to you, in case you are ever put in the situation where you someone you know has gone through the kind of loss I have. Kind of a Do's and Don'ts. Every situation and person in different, so this is just how I feel.

Bringing a new baby around someone who has just lost their baby or gone through a miscarriage. For me, my "trigger" is baby girls. I have a very difficult time being around them. It reminds me of what I have lost and what I want to so badly. My advice on this situation would be to just use caution and put thought into how it may make the grieving mother feel. Put yourself in her shoes. I was put in a very uncomfortable situation one day when I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a while, with her 4 month old. She kept going on and on about what her baby was doing and showing me pictures, this person was very aware of what I had just gone through. All I could do was smile and nod, then went home and cried the rest of the night.

Should you invite a grieving mother to a baby shower, birthday party, etc.? My answer to this is YES!! I have been left out of a few things since losing the girls. There is nothing worse in a situation like mine than feeling alone. I find myself feeling alone a lot. I know the intention is to not upset your friend, but when they find out they weren't invited later, it hurts. My advice would be to send an invitation, but maybe add a note telling them you understand if they don't come. That way, there is not guilt on either side. I know I would like to make the decision myself and not have it made for me.

Should you tell a grieving mother if you are pregnant?? I have only had to deal with this indirectly. The person is very close to me but didn't tell me, I found out another way. I think you should tell the person if you are close to them, but don't be upset if they don't jump up and down and get excited for you. They will be jealous and most likely it will hurt them, but I think its better to tell them yourself.

Don't make a grieving mothers loss about you. It's not. Because I know a lot of people that I have talked to that turn my loss into how THEY feel about it. Not to be rude, but I don't care. I know that my girls touched A LOT of people and that their death affected many people. But I am sure there are other people to talk to about it besides me. I don't want to relive it over and over. I want to be the one to bring it up, not someone else. I do not in anyway mean for this to sound mean, and I appreciate how my girls touched lives. It just hurts to talk about.

These are just a couple of the things I deal with the most and wanted to get off my chest. If you want to ask me a question feel free to ask!


  1. Nice new layout.

    Though I know it's been hard, I do think it's great how God has been helping you to work through all of the pain. You could be doing far worse in many ways and I think that is amazing. There are still a lot of people praying for you, even if they don't tell you as often as they did before.

    We all say and do awkward things to you and I am sure that I have had my share of offenses. I'm sorry for any that came from me, even if they weren't listed. I figured I could say that again =).

  2. None of them came from you Amber. you have helped me through this in so many ways!

    I do totally understand where everyone is coming from, I wouldn't know what to say to me either if I hadn't gone through it! I just thought I would point a couple of things that bother me the most. :)

  3. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through and I commend you for your strength through such a difficult situation. If there is ever anything I can do to help please ask! My prayers are still with you also :)

  4. A beautiful story. So glad I found your blog.

    Stop by and see me sometime.

  5. Thank you for your thoughts...Everyone feels uncomfortable around a grieving friend because we don't want to offend but would like to offer comfort. It really helps to know what a person may be feeling and it makes you think a little before you do or say things you might not otherwise think twice about. I finally just started saying something like "I know that I can't take away the pain...but know that you are loved and I hurt for your grief."
    That being said, I am amazed by your strength of spirit...and Mike's too.